These last three months have been hard. There have been so many instances where I have chosen fear. Where I have chosen to take control of my life because of my fear, rather than surrender it up to God. God showed me that I get into this cycle of wanting to control my life. I get caught up in my own selfishness. It’s my way of pushing God out of my life rather than looking to God and recognizing his presence in my life. Life becomes about me if I choose control. My desires become more important than God. My God who is constantly asking me to leave those feelings behind. My God who is constantly asking me to forgive myself like he has already done. My God who is asking me to see myself just as he has made me, in His image.
This is what God has been doing in my heart. He has been prompting thoughts of his forgiveness, his strength, and his ability to heal the brokenness not only in me, but also in the world. God is gracefully showing me the areas in my life and heart that I need to hand over to him. God has been teaching me about vulnerability. Well he has actually been showing me how much I need to start being vulnerable. How I need to start admitting to myself and to those around me that I am a person who likes to be right. I am a person who thinks I know everything. I am a person who forgets that what I want isn’t actually always the best for everyone else.
Goodness. I’m scared. I’m a scaredy cat. I don’t like to admit that I’m prideful. I’m a person who would rather have her roommates admit their faults before ever even touching on her own. This is why these past months have been hard. Because I have been learning how to talk through my feelings with God. Surrendering them to God. Surrendering them takes an immense amount of vulnerability. It takes me admitting that I don’t know everything and that I can’t do everything. But the second I do I realize that there’s so much power in vulnerability. That power comes from knowing I can rely on God for all that I can’t do. Being honest removes the barriers that I put between God and me. He becomes the center of my life when I choose faith in him rather than fear. Life is slowly becoming a conversation with Jesus, where I get to admit to God what I’m feeling, then work through that with Him. I’m learning how to be real with God, with my roommates and with the people he has placed me near. This isn’t easy and sometimes I just want to fall back into the superficiality that can come with daily interactions, because that seems easier than actually facing and discussing the emotions warring in my heart. But the world doesn’t need fake the world needs God. God has been so so gracious with his word. There’s verse in James 3 that I keep coming back to. Please join me in praying that God helps me rely on his wisdom, not my own.
"Who is wise and understanding among you? Let them show it by their good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. Such “wisdom” does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace reap a harvest of righteousness."
James 3:13-18
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